So, this is my new idea for blogging.
Show up just as I am, at regular intervals, whether it’s a short post or a long one, a video, audio, an image or just words. Just sit down at the PC and let the words come.
I admire so many bloggers who share their day to day lives openly, and I believe it’s a powerful thing to do. Powerful, but HARD.
You see, in my family, you didn’t have feelings in public. Like my gorgeous mentor/teacher/wisewoman SARK says of her family, ‘Feelings were something you had one at a time, and you went to your room to have them in private’
I still have most of my feelings in private, especially the not-so-pretty ones.
I make lots of excuses for this. I am in a leadership position, people count on me to stay positive and know what’s what. I am mentoring people, if I’m a mess, they won’t trust me.
But you know, I sometimes really don’t know what’s what. Any leader or mentor who appears to have it all together is a liar, liar, pants on fire – that’s a fact.
Expressing my feelings, because people are paying attention, sometimes has unintended consequences, and that can be scary too.
People like to take responsibility for other people’s feelings, and this can cause a lot of resistance to sharing for me.
Here’s the thing: I don’t abdicate responsibility for my feelings to others, nobody should. If I say how I am feeling, it is not to get a response…. it just is. I also don’t give permission to others to police my behaviour, and saying ‘I am struggling with this thing’ can sometimes imply that permission.
So, for the record, I don’t want any response, or policing. I’m just showing up – OK?
Check me out, with all my before-I-just-show-up caveats. Gotta love that part of myself!
Another excuse is: my feelings are rather dull. Most of the time, today included, the predominant feeling is ‘tired’. I work long hours. I get tired! It is not sexy, or angsty, or interesting… not really.
But enough excuses.
Today I am showing up tired. Late night last night, much of which was spent upstairs trying to catch up work whilst people had a jolly pirate party downstairs. Actually, it was quite a fun although strange distance to enjoy the party – the sound crept through the floorboards and as I was posting on FB photos of what was happening downstairs kept appearing. I had this moment of thinking ‘I should resent this, but it’s kinda cool to be behind the scenes making this all happen, whilst everyone is having a grand old time in pirate outfits’. Plus, the music was fab.
Sometimes, distance can be a good way to experience something.
Sometimes, that’s an excuse, too. I have to watch that!
I am showing up worried about the downturn in business this past month. The weather is very sunny, and when that happens our business always drops, and it pushes every button I have to be so out of control of something so important to me.
The changes we’ve gone through at The Art House have also left a vague feeling of abandonment with some core crew leaving – even though they had every right to leave and so on and so forth….. goes without saying, I am just feeling a feel about it. We have some lovely new crew, and all will be fabulous, but it’s a big adjustment, like family members switching round would be to most people.
I am not sure how the next few months will go, and that makes me unsteady. With the success of The Art House has come an immense pressure to keep it successful, because it has come to mean so much to so many.
Deep down, I know we’re all going to be OK. My inner wise voice tells me we totally have this.
At home, the challenges of a work-together-live-together relationship weigh heavily as we both worry about the downturn, and keeping a house vaguely running whilst working long hours means mess everywhere, and the Giant African Land Snail has gone into hibernation even though it’s Spring and s/he should be awake. I think the snail is sick, but there are no snail vets, so I’ve just left him/her in peace and keep checking for a bad smell (the last one died in hibernation). I hope the snail makes it, I rather like the snail.
So this is me, sitting down and showing up and really not wanting to publish this because it’s rambly and has no point. Sometimes being intensely purposeful isn’t possible. Sometimes life just rambles, and swims in circles, and gets spectacularly stuck.
That’s OK. I’m OK.
How are you?